Once Upon a Time
by Xintendation 360
Summary: If Charlie had to babysit Aaron, how would he entertain him? By telling him stories, of course. But what kind of strange tales could our favorite recovering junkie, has been rockstar weave?
1. Chapter 1

Title : Once Upon a Time 

**Rating : Rated S for silly.**

**Genre : Guy-Tells-Stories-to-a-Baby**

**Disclaimer : I don't own Lost. In fact, I don't own anything. So if you want to send me some money, or a stereo, It would be appreciated. Heck, I'll accept Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, if you can manage to mail them to me in one piece.**

**Summary : Charlie is a pathetic loser that does whatever Claire wants. So he's always taking care of Aaron and telling him stories to entertain him.**

One day, Charlie was walking peacefully through the jungle, in deep meditation.

Just then, everything changed.

"Charlie!" Claire screamed in terror. You wish. No, Claire just called him, probably about to ask him to do something stupid. "Could you take care of Aaron for a while?"

Most cool people would find some way to get out of it, or just say no, but Charlie isn't cool. "Yes!" He squealed. He would be happy to. Not only did he like Claire and wanted to be all nice and junk, but he had not an inner child, but an inner baby, which always loved to hang out with his infant brethren. As he was pondering such stupid things, he realized how lame he sounded squealing how he would love to hang out with some baby. That was when his manly I-don't-want-to-look-stupid self, restated with a deep voice.

"Um, yes. I guess I can hang out with the little guy."

"Okay. If you need me, I'll be walking peacefully down the beach."

As Claire walked away, he sat down on some lump of wreckage, a little depressed, and started doing nothing. He looked at Aaron's crib. He didn't know why it was so awesome that Locke thought to build the crib. He could build one. He knew plenty about building stuff. He used to build giant monuments out of linkin' logs and legos. And he knew a lot about cribs, too. Heck, he slept in one the first four years of his life.

"Can you at least like…try to entertain me?" Aaron didn't say. Actually, Charlie said it with a little high-pitched voice, as if it were Aaron talking.

"Well sure. I guess so, Aaron. What do you want me to do?"

"Why don't you tell me a story or something?"

"I don't know…I'm not a very good storyteller."

"Please?"

"What are you gonna do if I don't?"

"I'll tell everybody you fold your socks individually."

"How do you know that? I never told you that!"

"Hey everybody! Charlie-"

"Okay, okay!" Charlie said. He tried to ignore everybody's stares.

"I'm ready."

"Once upon a time, there was a little bunny named Bottlecap."

"Bottlecap? That's the best you can think of in two seconds?"

"I'm telling the story here, Aaron!" Charlie roared very unfiercely, "Bottlecap was a happy little bunny that loved to eat bananas. But he didn't have any bananas. There was also a little monkey that loved to eat carrots. He loved to eat carrots, but he didn't have any carrots."

"What was the monkey's name?"

"Probably Bob. Bottlecap and Bob both really wanted their favorite food, but they didn't have any of it. But it just so happened that Bob had the bananas that Bottlecap wanted, and Bottlecap had the carrots that Bob wanted. You'd think they should just trade, right? Unfortunately, they didn't live in the same country, so they couldn't. In search of their favorite foods, they searched in the trees, they searched in the farmer's house, they even looked in Wal-Mart (Why doesn't Wal-Mart have good produce?), but they couldn't find what they wanted. So they both looked in eBay, and what did they find? Their favorite foods! It turned out, they had both put their not-favorite foods on eBay. So they traded online and got their favorite foods. So they lived happily ever after, eating their favorite foods. The end."

"Is there a moral to the story?" Aaron asked, looking up hopefully.

"Oh…" Charlie said. He didn't ever think to create a moral to the story. And you can't just tell a baby a story without a moral! It's taboo in society! "Um…monkeys are better off than us?"

"What?"

"Monkeys can have their favorite foods, because they have access to eBay! Why can't I have my favorite food? All I want is a couple of Reeses peanut butter cups! Is that too much to ask?"

"You know, the Hatch's computer has internet access-"

"Nobody cares about me! I wish I could just have one or two packs!" Charlie complained, not seeming to hear Aaron.

"And the Hatch has like a thousand Apollo peanut butter cups in the pantry and-"

"Don't try to make me feel better, Aaron. I'm just gonna leave."

"But Claire's gonna yell at you when she finds out you left me."

Charlie was already gone.

A/n : So how do you like it? I've got plenty more chapters if I get some positive input. Eh…I'll probably post them anyway, actually, but positive input me writing more.


	2. Chapter 2

Once Upon a Time : Chapter 2 

**Disclaimer : All your base are belong to us.**

-----

The next day was exactly like the day before, except it wasn't the day before.

-----

"I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" Charlie cried as he ran through the jungle and tripped on some air.

Just then, everything changed.

"Hey dude," The guy who says 'Dude' said.

"Oh hey," Charlie said, "What's going on?"

"Uh…nooooooooooothing…….."

"Oh. Nothing." Charlie affirmed.

"Yeeeeah. Can I leave now?"

"I have a question. I have to babysit the baby again today. Do you know any stories about…say…food?"

"No! In fact, I don't know anything about food!"

"I don't want to argue, but-"

"Dude!"

"What are you acting so weird about?"

"Uh…I have something to do."

"Okay, what's the big secret?"

"Nothing!" Hurley said.

"What's your secret?"

"Nothing!"

"What's your secret?"

"Nothing!"

"Come on, I know there's something. Just admit that."

"Fine. Okay, man. There _is_ something."

"What is it?"

"I'm not telling."

"What is it?"

"Not telling!"

"What is it?"

"Not telling!"

"Why not? I just want to know what your secret is. It's no secret that the best thing about a secret is secretly telling your secret to a friend, thus adding to their collection of secrets. I've got plenty of secrets myself."

"Like what?"

"Well…did you know that I'm in Driveshaft?"

"No way!" Hurley said in amazement, even though everybody already knew about Charlie's bass-player-ity.

"And secretly…" Charlie shifted his eyes and then said in Hurley's ear, "I have an accent."

Hurley's eyes widened. "I'll never look at you the same way again!"

"Any more?"

"Well…I sleep in my shoes, I like peanut butter, I can play five instruments, I'm wearing three pairs of underwear, and I don't like getting punched in the face."

Hurley just took all of that in.

"So do you want to tell me _your_ secret now?" Charlie asked eagerly.

"Of course not." Hurley said simply, obviously not knowing where the conversation had been going.

Charlie's jaw dropped as he turned bug-eyed. "But…bduh…I told you about my accent!"

"I'm sorry, Charlie, but the inner machinations of my mind are an enigma." Hurley said, currently imagining Michael throwing rocks at ducks.

"Fine." Charlie said, giving up, and Hurley began to walk away, "Wait, what about the story? What do I tell story? I can't think of anything to tell Aaron about."

"Hey man, when in doubt, make it up as you go along."

"Hmm." Charlie said as he ran off, "I'll be sure to try that."

"So one time, there was this puppy, right? It was the runt of the litter. His name was Fido. Now this puppy, Fido, was really good at moonwalking." Said Charlie. He was taking Hurley's advice as he told Aaron the story, "He was really good, but his family always made fun of him, because he was so small. They told him that he wasn't so good, but he knew in his heart that he was good. 'You'll see!' He said. So he went out to the moonwalking competition. He did really good until he got to the last competitor, who he was against. They were racing up Mount Everest moonwalking, and Fido was losing. But he said to himself 'I think I can', and he managed to beat the other guy."

"What's the moral of the story?" Charlie asked for Aaron in his high-pitched voice.

"You have to believe in yourself."

"Oh, please. Every kid in the world knows to believe in their self by now. The moral is only inserted in like every kid's movie in the world."

"Okay, I got one. The moral to this story is that moonwalking will earn you respect. Anybody who can't moonwalk is a pathetic loser."

"That's a good one."

A/n : I can't moonwalk.


	3. Chapter 3

Once Upon a Time : Chapter 3 

**Disclaimer : Reeses Peanut Butter Cups may or may not actually stick to the ceiling if you lick them.**

Here comes Charlie Cottontail, hopping down the jungle trail.

Just then, everything changed.

"Oh, there you are, Jack." Charlie said with glee. He had found his objective.

"Hey, Charlie." Jack said. He was probably doing something boring.

"Er…I have to take care of Aaron, and I was wondering if you knew any stories I could tell him."

"My dad never told me any stories when I went to bed. He was always out drinking. And when he would come home, he would lick Reeses peanut butter cups and throw them at the ceiling so that they would stick. Then in the morning when he woke up again, he would blame me, because he wouldn't remember!" Jack whined. He looked down to the ground and covered his eyes, for he was doing his favorite thing…he was crying.

"Hey, that's a great idea! I'll just tell Aaron some kind of story from my childhood."

-----

"So there was this one time in preschool when we had this hamster named Butt."

"What are you doing?" Aaron asked.

"You know, telling you a story. And Butt is our class's pet hamster. Well, his real name is Reeses Peanut _Butt_er Cups, but we just call him Butt for short. Anyway, I loved that hamster. Loved it like a brother. I always hung out with him, fed my cookies to him, and sang little songs to him. That was when I wrote Once Upon a Time (In a Far Away Land Where Aliens Feed Cookies to Me and Butt). You want to hear it?"

"No."

"_Once upon a time in a far away land,_

_Where aliens feed cookies to me and Butt._

_Jessie pushed me in the sand,_

_And then she punched me in the gut._

_Ms. Josephine made me sit in the corner,_

_After I called her fat._

_But I took those cookies with me,_

_So what do you think of that?_

What do you think?"

"Uh…what I think doesn't matter. Can I hear the story now?"

"Well, one day, I got to take Butt home to take care of him. I was psyched. So took him to see my parents, then I took him to see my room, then I took him to see the washing machine. Well, then I found out that I was supposed to keep him in the hamster ball. So I lost him. So my dad went and looked for him by putting crackers next to the floor vents while my mom yelled at me. Well, I found him and did the mature thing. I put him in the hamster ball. Then I put him on the teeter totter, then climbed on my swing set, then I jumped on the other end. Uh…the next morning I had to explain to my friends that I catapulted their friend into space. I don't think they ever forgave me. The end…The moral of the story…teeter totters kill."

A/n : To anybody who actually reads this stuff…sorry this chapter was so short.


	4. Chapter 4

Once Upon a Time : Chapter 4

**Disclaimer : I don't dis Lost, I don't claim Lost. Well, maybe I dis Lost a little. Whatever.**

Go for it!! Charlie!!! Charlie uses Quick Attack! A critical hit! Pikachu uses Pathetic Slap! It's super effective! Charlie fainted! Charlie whited out!

Just then, everything changed.

Seconds later, Charlie awoke from his stupor inside of a Pokemon Center! He exited the shiny white and red building and reemerged into the jungle to see Sawyer running to and fro.

"Hey! Sawyer! Whaaaaaaaaat are you doing???!!" Charlie screamed with his mouth agape as he spoke.

"Nothing. Go away." Sawyer replied, not even looking up from the piece of paper he was looking at.

"What's that piece of paper?!!? It looks like something that's _so dumb_." Charlie scoffed with his arms folded.

"It's a piece of paper. No, it isn't dumb. Just get out of here, or I'll make you."

"ARE YOU ASKING FOR A CHALLEEEEEEEEENGE??!! DOUBLE D-"

"Forget it. You can stay for all I care."

"So is that paper like a love letter or something?!"

"No, it's a hate letter. For the man that killed my parents."

"You should chase him down, then offer him a challenge. Or maybe some light fighting."

"I can't find him. I've been looking all over for my whole life. But when I find him, I'm gonna kill 'im, then I'm gonna give this letter to him, and he'll read it."

"But…if you kill him, he won't be able to read anymore. You should **_give_** him the **_letter_** first!! Anyway, you shouldn't be all pathetic like some kind of _baby_."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you don't need to carry that letter around with you everywhere. I travel light, in case I need to fight or something. I only carry my wallet, my school ID, my bazooka, my beam sword, my space blaster, my utility belt, a picture of my mother, and a spare pair of underwear."

"Yeah. Me too. I suppose I can't afford to carry any more."

"Yeah. You should just throw it out. Or eat it."

"Okay. I shall release myself from the bondage of my memories with the power of fire!" Sawyer exclaimed, excited about the freedom that he will soon find. He took the lighter that he still carries around (even though he doesn't even have any cigarettes), and BURNiNATED the letter with all of his might. Trogdor strikes again!

"Good job!" Stinko--uh…Charlie said. "Oh wait! What I came here for! I need you to give me a story I need! And maybe a challenge!!"

"Uh…why don't you just tell him a fairy tale?"

"Good idea!"

"And uh…thanks for the advice. I feel like a better person."

"You **ARE** a better person!"

-----

"Once upon a time, there was a squad of three archeologists in the jungle. They were out in an adventure to search the Mayan/Aztec temple of Yuawleverrebuddee for-"

"Did you just make that name up?"

"Yeah…shut up, kid. They were in Yuawleverrebuddee in search for ancient treasure of Mayan/Aztec history. Inside of the temple, they found something greater than they ever imagined. They found the legendary **Monkey's Paw **tm. They couldn't believe their wonderful luck. The **Monkey's Paw **tm gives its possessor an unlimited supply of wishes. The first archeologist, in his great greed and fear of competition, wished that the other explorers would disappear. Immediately he regretted what he did. He wished them back, but they were angry at him, and stole the **Monkey's Paw **tm and left without him. The two left the temple and camped out in the jungle. It was just them two and the **Monkey's Paw **tm. Both of them wanted to own it for themselves. So in the middle of the night, the second archeologist sneaked out and took the **Monkey's Paw **tm and began to run away. But the third archeologist had drugged him. Thirdie took the **Monkey's Paw **tm from the second archeologist and used the **Monkey's Paw **tm's **Monkey's Paw **tm powers to make the second archeologist disappear. He was the last archeologist left. Thirdie immediately began to wish greedily. He wished for 1,000,000 bars of gold. Immediately the bars of gold began to surround him. Good, right? No. A native savage tribe of terrifying people of doom who are probably cannibals sprung from the jungle and took all of the gold. The NSTOTPODWAPC imprisoned Thirdie in a pit, but left the **Monkey's Paw **tm with him, because they didn't know he had it. Thirdie looked at the **Monkey's Paw **tm in thought. It seemed like every wish he made, things got worse for him. It seemed like the bigger the wish, the worse the results. But could every wish really make things worse? Thirdie made his decision. He used the **Monkey's Paw **tm to wish away from the NSTOTPODWAPC for good, and did what he thought was insignificant. He just wished himself to a Driveshaft concert. What could possibly happen?"

"Oh, oh, I know this one!"

"Okay, shut up. Anyway, it was the concert when we were all high-" Charlie looked at Aaron. Should he really use this content? "Uh…we were stoned—drunk…uh…stupid. Yeah, that's it. We were stupid. So we decided that this concert, instead of throwing CDs, picks, drumsticks, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, or our clothes out into the audience, we would throw our actual instruments into the audience. So when the time came, I threw my bass out into the audience in the auditorium. But what I forgot is that I should unplug it first. The amplifier was violently pulled off the stage with my bass, and sparks flew from it. The sparks set the fans on fire, and the smoke from the fire started the ceiling sprinklers. The water from the ceiling sprinklers caused the electrical equipment to malfunction, which caused them to explode. All of the fans died that day, including Thirdie. The end. The moral of the story is that people don't know what they want." Charlie said with a wide grin.

(A/n : This is the song, that goes in the author's note. This is the author's note, so here's the author's note song. When you review this fanfic, you can't go wrong, so, hey, hey, hey-hey, hey, hey hey hey!)


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